It’s been 28 years since I’ve had a regular painting practice. I studied fine art in college and focused on photography and oil painting, but painting was my first love and I relished my time in the studio. I created a lot of work over those four years, some I am still proud of, most I am not. Shortly after graduating I interned for a freelance photographer. After seeing him anxiously promote himself and wait for the phone to ring, I quickly realized that in order to feel safe I needed the security of a regular paycheck. Also, I knew I wasn’t talented enough to earn a living from my paintings. Because of that I left painting behind and pursued a career with a steady income. From there, life took over. I never had a physical space that I could dedicate to creating, so that side of my life fell to the wayside. Although I would have tiny spurts of creativity here and there, it essentially evaporated. My career was always in the arts, as a designer or book editor, so I convinced myself that this was enough. I spent my days helping other creatives realize their dreams.
I’ve always known that art was an important outlet for me but I couldn’t seem to make it happen. Getting back into a practice after so much time away is always challenging. I stopped when I was at my most proficient and every time I tried to paint after that it was such an awkward process and result that I felt little incentive to continue. Disney animator Walt Stanchfield once said “We all have 10,000 bad drawings in us. The sooner we get them out the better.” I knew that I just had to work through that process and shake off the rust, but I couldn’t tolerate the feelings of failure.
“We all have 10,000 bad drawings in us. The sooner we get them out the better.” - Walt Stanchfield, Disney animator
The Balance, 2019, acrylic on canvas, 15.5 x 11.5 inches
A few of months ago a few of us decided to go through The Artist’s Way together, it was just the nudge I needed to get back to painting and journaling on a regular basis (also a daily practice when I was painting). I now have a studio just out my back door so there is no longer any excuse to be inactive. I’ve been shaking off the rust on a daily basis now for a few weeks so I have a handful of those “10,000 bad paintings” under my belt with many more to come. There are glimmers of hope in each of them, as well as areas of frustration, but I continue to press forward and I’m trying my best to leave my pride at the door.
In the past I painted realism with oils but I always wanted to try my hand at abstract. I couldn’t understand where abstract art came from or how to tap into that so I stayed in the safety of realism. During these past few weeks I’ve experienced some kind of breakthrough that feels profound. I’m now painting abstract in acrylics and I’m in the studio daily! The first pieces felt very forced, but now I’m starting to learn the language of abstraction and the process feels like a visual/physical meditation.
It’s as if my muse, my house elf, my whatever you want to call it has arrived and taken the helm. I feel completely detached from the work in that it just seems to be flowing out of me. I’m not thinking about it, I’m just a conduit for some creative force that has arrived. It feels like a gift, it feels like being newly in love, and I hope it takes up residence in my soul.